All my adult life I have abided by that philosophy. There has only been one group of decisions I have ever made in my life which I have regretted and it had nothing to do with sex.

It is terrible we live in a society which encourages, nay, practically expects us to harbor an emotion as self-destructive as regret toward most sexual activity. In a perfect world, we would accept responsibility for our actions, whatever they may be, and regret would be a thing of the past.

Or are sex and lust such insanities we cannot take responsibility for the choices influenced and inspired by them? I know many would argue with me, but I feel they are such a normal part of our psyche that they cannot possibly be insanities but are, in fact, the only sane things we experience in our lives. How sane, exactly, is work?

I’ve really stretched my brain trying on phrases like “If I knew then what I know now...” and, you know, it just does not feel right. It doesn’t feel right because

1) I didn’t know then what I know now and
2) what I did then has made me the woman I am today.

I’m pretty comfortable with who I am today and no amount of rehashing the past will make me feel any better.

I’ll try it on for a moment but I’m just not that much of a conformist so you’ll also get to read why I’m so ambivalent about regret.

“If I knew then what I know now...

... I would have kissed my girlfriend when I was sixteen.” But it was 1983 and I didn’t understand what I was feeling. It is really okay it took 20 years to begin to put words and actions to that part of me. By waiting, I have the privilege of a loving, caring partner to go through the process with me and I feel I appreciate it that much more.

... I would have demanded a Civil Union instead of a marriage.” But they didn’t exist in 1989 and I can’t make my personal relationships sacrificial lambs for causes without making the causes more important than those relationships. And no cause is more important than my partner.

... I would have been more insistent on an opal instead of a diamond for my engagement ring.” But my partner says I’m welcome to trade my ring in any time I want. I just might do that.

... I would have had sex with more people.” You probably don’t read *that* statement too often. My total count is now a whopping two. I’d like to have the experience but I love the experience I’ve had with two. Only one for nearly twenty years and now I’ve got around to trying another.

... I would have tried anal sex, bondage, shaving, sharing porn, mutual masturbation, golden showers, various mind altering things, strap-ons, threesomes, (use your imagination for the rest of the list) sooner.” But I didn’t. It took time to share and learn and explore and enjoy all the facets of my sexuality and the way things worked out was just fine. Maybe I just get to appreciate it that much more because I know how /normal/ (read: /boring/) things were before.

... I would have got over my poor self image and enjoyed sex from the moment I knew what sex was and was dating.” But, hey, I’m not perfect. There are so many influences to the contrary of accepting who we are each and every day. Sure, I could have a thinner waist and more toned arms and legs. I can do something about that today for tomorrow but today is what I am living now and I have to accept what I am and have today and use it the best I can. My partners love me just the way I am and help me be the woman I want to be tomorrow.

I just don’t understand how to live with regret. Like jealousy, envy, and applying make-up, regret just does not make any sense to me.

However, there was once an incident involving chicken dumplings, my best friend from high school, a dorm room, a stop sign, a pile of stolen milk crates, a pile of books, a desk, and a stand-off I do regret. Apparently she has forgotten (or at least forgiven) the whole thing so I am redeemed. I’m not sure I even remember how all those things related in the story any more but I do regret my choices and would definitely do things different if I had to do it again; no “ifs”, “ands”, or “buts” about it.