Dale H West Menu

© 2004 Dale H. West. All rights reserved.

Bi-X - Two Girls Part I
(on the MFF threesome myth)

Something about weddings for people who I knew from owning a bar presents the most interesting stories. There was one wedding where we watched the groom pass out three times at the alter, his best man picking him up and putting him back on his feet, only to have him collapse again. One faint was particularly memorable. As the minister was raising his hands to the heavens and saying “And God bless...” the groom passed out a third time. In a singular, fluid motion he lowered his hands to the grooms shoulders and without missing a beat spoke his name. The groom sure did need some blessing - but he probably needed to be removed from the alter more than anything. If ever a wedding I’ve attended should not have happened, that was one of them.

At another, the maid of honor and bridesmaid had an all out, fist swinging, hair pulling, crawling and sprawling on the dance floor fight for the bride’s tossed bouquet. Fortunately, the photographer hired by the newly weds was a professional sports photographer, so he was skilled at catching all the action on film.

Maybe it is that truth is indeed stranger than fiction. I’ve lived enough life finally to have a store of stories capable of sustaining a lifetime of writing - even writing entirely about sex and sexuality topics. This last wedding I attended fit right in with all the others I had ever attended as the best man proceeded to get the groom, who had stopped drinking entirely some three or four years earlier, entirely blitzed on tequila and whiskey. With the reception not over until 10pm, the groom was out in the front lawn of the Elks Club, burning the grass with vomit at about quarter after 9pm, the best man having excused himself from the party some fifteen minutes earlier.

The bride made the decision to stay and enjoy the party while MJ and another friend of the bride and groom took it on themselves to comply with the groom’s request to return to the hotel room. The process of moving a drunk, partially passed-out, still heaving 220lb landscaper only a few miles by car was an event in and of itself. MJ’s not small, and neither is B, the guy who drove his Ford Explorer with the groom in the backseat to the hotel.

I followed behind in our Jeep, as MJ was going to need a ride later from the hotel room. The bride respectfully requested MJ and B keep the groom alive and safe until she got there. It seemed as though she was debating over physically harming her legally bound partner with her own hands and handling him with sympathy. I like the bride - she’s a good woman.

B and MJ literally carried the groom into the hotel room. It was graduation weekend for one of the local colleges, so they hadn’t had much choice in rooms. I found it odd but fortuitous there were two double beds in this “honeymoon suite.” It wasn’t really a honeymoon suite - it was the only room they could find in town that weekend. Not that the hotel managers were kind or sympathetic either. I made a mental note to never refer a friend or visiting person to use this hotel in the future.

Once in the room, I took responsibility for cleaning B’s wool football blanket from the groom’s expulsions in the sink. I tried the shower, but the water pressure was too poor. The sink was another adventure. While plumbed correctly as far as the cold being on the right, the hot water turned on by turning the handle clockwise and off by turning it counter clockwise. The fact the sink drained as slowly as water in a clay mud puddle exasperated the situation when I was trying, somewhat unsuccessfully to stop the flow of water.

In the meantime, B and MJ got the groom’s jacket, shirt, vest and shoes off and kept him on one of the two beds. B was on the bed with him, keeping him from rolling off one side, while MJ sat on the other bed, keeping the groom from rolling between the two beds. We joked about the groom’s known homophobia and that here he was, on his wedding night, lying comatose in bed with another man.

I kept myself busy, as the two sober guys tried to get the groom to drink some water any time he showed an amount of consciousness, cleaning and straightening the room which the bride’s maids had apparently used earlier to get ready for the ceremony. Undergarments needed stowing, bags needed hanging in the closet and makeup paraphernalia needed to be picked up.

In time, the bride arrived, as did B’s spouse, B’s spouse’s sister and another friend of the couple and her “wedding date.” So there we all were, feeling a bit awkward as seven of us, other than the bride and groom, hung around the “honeymoon suite” chatting with the bride until midnight.

Her first comment, upon entering the room and seeing her new spouse sprawled prone on the bed was “Damn. And I was hoping to get fucked tonight!” Told you I liked her. Called it as it was. It made it a bit more comfortable for the rest of us that she got that off her chest.

We made the best of it for her. I'm sure she hadn’t planned on falling asleep immediately after the reception, so it seemed second best that if she wasn’t cavorting with her new husband, she at least had good company. Me, being the prankster I am, suggested we draw a face on the back of the groom’s shaved head, and the bride was good sport enough (and just slightly pissed enough) to dig through the bags of makeup to find some waterproof mascara. The groom got a nice little drunk smiley face, with X’s for eyes, on the back of his head.

As we all now sat around and joked about the groom’s homophobia, the topic of two girls and a guy came up among the 8 conscious folk. I’m not sure who even asked the question “Isn’t it every guys fantasy to ‘have’ two women?”

B spoke up with “Well, 90% of all men fantasize about being with two women.”

I was impressed. At least he realized not all men have that fantasy.

“And the other 10% are gay.”

Even I had to laugh at that. It was nice of him to recognize that not all men are heterosexual, but I do think he missed some of the point. He did, however, have one of the funniest responses to that question I have yet to hear.

Not so long ago, MJ and I were making an equipment purchase from an individual and we got onto the topic of a threesome. For this rather typical American male, homosexuality was something to be spoken about in whispers, unless, of course, it was two women who were together for the pleasure of one man.

“I’m sure you wouldn’t mind having two women together,” he addressed to MJ.

MJ just stood there, somewhat taken aback by the sheer assumption of the statement.

“Well, actually, that’s more my fantasy than his,” I said, trying unsuccessfully to come to MJ’s defense.

“What? Is she too much for you to handle?” This guy was somewhat taken aback that a woman could fulfill a man’s fantasy and desire. A single, solitary woman. I’m not sure who was more offended - MJ, that someone would question his sexual prowess, or me, that by being a sexual creature I might ever be considered “too much.” I’m sure it was me who was more offended. MJ is much better at recognizing an ignorant person as a baboon.

Is that because most men just do not ever find satiation in their sexual encounters? Are they so beholden to a socialized ideal that they must be the provider of everything, that even in sex they cannot relax and let themselves go to joy and passion and trust in another? Do men need women to “perform” for them - that when their energy is spent, they somehow fantasize about becoming voyeurs? Voyeurism has its place, don’t get me wrong. It is as valid as any other form of sexual arousal.

Women are no different. We, as a gender, do not typically allow ourselves to enjoy our role in the game, the sport and the art of sex. Too many women consider themselves receptacles - for sperm, for male aggression, for whatever gets dumped on them.

I am particularly comforted my partner, while he is male, is both interested in a third and is open minded enough to not be specific about the gender of a third. Neither of us desire a third because the other doesn’t satisfy. If you are not getting satisfied by your current sexual relationship, it is time to do some serious thinking - and self-reflection. No, we want a third because we feel we can learn and experience more about each other and through ourselves with another person - common polyamorous sentiment.

I now I’ll never change popular social thinking. Two girls - the “typical” male obsession and concept is a myth - at least in its potential for success. Although, I suppose it depends on how you quantify success. I’m sure the guy can get off by it. Unless the women who participate either buy into the myth that they have an obligation to satisfy the male’s need for entertainment or they are aware of the pettiness and self-centeredness of the common scenario and are happy to play with that - then the women lose in the scenario.

Two girls. Yeah - it can be a great deal of fun and honestly be a great sexual adventure. But poly rules apply. Learn the code and have great sex.

© 2004 Dale H. West. All rights reserved.